Tataaaa this is my one year blogiversary. I can’t believe I’ve made it that long! So, I guess it’s time to take a look back. However, I don’t think that what I’ve been writing is the interesting part of this story, but rather how I’ve changed.
I started off wanting to write. It wasn’t that I felt like I had something to say – or anything new to add. I just wanted to write about something, mostly genderwise or kinky.
The reason I ever got into blogs was kink. I had been devouring any kind of information on bdsm for years, trying to sort out what and why and how it was and in what way all of that mess related to me. And clever blogs by kinky folks not only got me hooked on the blogosphere. They also provided me with a more realistic view on bdsm, one that emphasized pleasure, not shame.
Over the last year, I’ve found a language to talk about kink and I’ve met people who share these tastes. Most importantly, I’ve found a freedom to gain experience, intense and beautiful.
And now? Now there’s the odd bit. I’m not all that bothered about bdsm anymore. Sure, it’s still my kind of sexuality and I don’t think that’ll ever change. It still fuels my dreams and is source of every single one of my orgasms. But it’s all put into a different perspective, just one of many kinds of sex. A good beating is as nice as a French kiss, and a sexy story doesn’t need d/s anymore to keep my interest. If a guy gave me a lapdance it’d make me just as happy as tying him up. I somewhat feel like I’m through with bdsm and its many sexist and racist forms. I’ve seen it all and I’ve had enough of it. I’m kinky, but it no longer constrains me.
Mostly, though, I now wonder about gender and its many different forms, trying to see more variety when I walk through the streets, allowing for a greater freedom in my own expressions. I’m trying to sort out my own bias and my own stereotypes. I’m trying to balance out my own masculinity and my feminity, trying to take both as a source of pride, as one more aspect of myself, trying to give each its time and place. I still identify as woman, but woman’s no longer a natural term. It no longer determines who I am.
If gender though no longer carries that much significance, what’s left of my heterosexuality? For a while I was attempting to only gaze at men, no longer at women. I wanted to sexualize men in the same way women have been sexualized for me all along. And I’ve received the strangest responses for doing so. As if desiring men was some sort of very odd fetish. And rather disgusting/highly ridiculous.
But I am turned on by female bodies, too. And I’m sure I fall in love not because of the sex of my lover but because of their personality. I didn’t want to fall into the “all women are bisexual anyway”-cliche. But a 0 heterosexuality just doesn’t make any sense to me whatsoever.
The most important change in my life is linked to all of this. I finally have a answer to the most horrible of all questions: “And what do you want to work when you’re finished with uni?” I’m determined to do master Sexuality Studies and I’m going to make a living talking about sex. Hell yeah!
This is where I’m at now. Changing. But with perspective.
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And as a little blogiversary present to myself, here’s the mighty Down.
