Maybe this is the sort of examining that doesn’t lead anywhere. The sort that’ll just come to the point of shit-is-fucked-up – but we knew that anyway.
So, what I’ve been wondering is: What’s my fascination with masculinity? Not with men in general; with the ideals of masculinity, images of heroes and loners, icons and superstars. Every so often I fall for one of them and become a fangirl in love to the point where it is actually a little embarassing. Almost like some sort of obsession. I spend hours searching for more images of whoever it is at that moment, I’d think about him all the time, make up little stories before I fall asleep, even try and dress like him. And I usually have to hold back hard not to make him the only topic of all of my conversations. Because that topic always includes stupid smiles, beamining with joy like only a fangirl in love can beam, sort of out of control.
These obsessions are not entirely sexual. Partly yes, but not entirely. As far as I can think back, my sexual fantasies have been equally mixed with men and women, but all of them were just bodies without names for the length of a wank. Maybe a fantasy would start with someone I have a crush on, but this has never gotten me over the edge. I’d only come back to them afterwards. The ones with names, though, have always been men with the exception of one or two women – and these were porn actresses, unlike the sports icons, movie stars, famous singers the men are.
Why are these crushes all on men or male figures? This cannot be about plain heterosexuality if my actual sexual fantasies include a lot of women. This sort of identification, this wanting to be them and have them and be theirs, this unbearable longing, this idealisation, has only occured with men. And that bothers me.
It’s not that I want to be a man. I’ve never felt like I’ve been born in the wrong body – as a matter of fact, I very much like my body and I’m very comfortable in it. I don’t feel the need to change anything about it – and though I’ve played with the idea of what it’d be like to have a man’s body, it’s not that I desperately want one. Even if I had the chance, I wouldn’t change my sex. Overall, I guess I’m probably more comfortable in my body than most women I know. So, no, this is not about sex.
I hate to think this is about desire. Not as in sexual desire, but as in who or what is desirable. Who are you gonna copy and imitate, who’s an idol, what is worth aiming for? I’ve known hardly any women I wanted to be like. As if whatever women do – I’d watch them with an especially critical eye. “Did she only get there because of her looks? Did she sleep her way up? She’s a woman, she can’t be as good. Even if she is good, even if she is better than anyone else, people will be sceptical. She will not be accepted. The media will rip her to shreds. This will be so embarassing.” Where the hell have I picked that up? From my openly misogynist father? From my conservative grandmother? Does this culture really breathe and sweat misogyny with every text it writes, with every picture it takes, with every story it tells?
The default sex for success and cleverness and efficiency and strength is male. And even if some acts of masculinity are full of failures – and what else is a taciturn killer without friends but an alcohol addiction? – they still become iconic and cool and remain at the center of all stories. Whereas successful acts of feminity seem impossible. Never desirable. Never cool. Never worth wanting to be her and have her and be hers.
And yes, I hate all that. I wish I had never felt like that. But this is what I learnt and at the age of twelve I stated in my diary that I despised women. Feminity, I meant, not actual women. It’s been a long time since then, but my idealisation of masculinity hasn’t changed.
Nonetheless, I’m convinced it’s possible to unlearn gender bias. To unlearn gender binaries – to reveal the artificial ideology of what seems like nature. I’m convinced I’ll one day have a gigantic fangirl crush on a woman because she’ll be the greatest person in the whole wide world, the most awesome and inspirational and desirable. ’cause what’s that got to do with gender?
